Shame and Relationships

I recently saw the movie The Kite Runner. It’s hard to describe the experience; words seem to fall short of its enormity. Positive words seem to overlook the pain, but negative words miss the redemption. Not surprisingly, I was particularly struck by the themes of shame in the movie. The main character Amir watches as his closest friend is assaulted, neither helping nor running for help. His shame over his inaction puts a barrier between he and his friend that he cannot overcome, even when his friend invites him back into friendship. So powerful is his shame that Amir tries to get rid of his life-long friend.

Shame destroys relationships. When we feel shame, we are more likely to get really angry, to blame others for anything and everything, and to pull away from even our most trusted friends and family. The irony is that shame tells us we are not worthy of our connection with others, all the while compelling us to act in ways that bust apart our connections.

On the other hand, relationships destroy shame. When we are convinced of our inferiority and someone honors us, shame dissipates. When we are certain that we are disgusting and someone hugs us, shame fizzles. When we feel beyond hope and God moves in our lives, shame dies. Connection with God and others is our truest hope to combat shame.

The Insidious Root of Shame

Sometimes shame masquerades as something on the surface, when really its insidious root goes much deeper. For instance, I have joked that I have the genetic makeup of a yak…I have far too much hair. At my Italian family member’s funeral, the comment was made: “I’ve never seen so many mustaches in my life…and that’s just on the women!”

I too have hair where I, as a woman, ought not to have hair. Oh the shame I felt over this unwanted hair! Yet my shame was not merely based in my increased volume of hair follicles – rather, it was rooted in my gender. Shame suggested, “Maybe I am not really meant to be a woman…” Though I hid my hair, I was trying to keep people from noticing and rejecting me because I was not, and could not be, what I was supposed to be.


Though I have focused on how having same-sex attractions causes shame, maybe the root of this shame goes deeper. In The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction, Janelle Hallman talks about the shame that is at the root of female same-sex attractions: shame of being different, shame of being alone, and the shame of feeling empty. Sometimes a woman experiences shame in her gender, feeling ridiculous as a woman. And sometimes a woman experiences shame in her very existence, as if she is not even worthy of being alive.


Although electrolysis was helpful in my hair-shame, the more core gender-shame had to be addressed to be truly free. In the same way, facing the shame over same-sex attractions can be beneficial, but it may be more important to address the deeper shame that keeps us powerless and isolated.

Book Review of The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction

Click here to view The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction on Amazon

Unwanted Identities

As an extrovert, I think out loud. This has some advantages, like finding out other people wonder about the same things I do. It also has some disadvantages, like saying stupid things. This happens frequently since my thought process doesn’t actually complete itself until the words are already out. Now, I have just completed my 20th year in school and I have a decent IQ, yet in these moments, I am certain that I have exposed myself as dumb. So I frantically search for a brilliant thing to say to cover up my stupidity, and I can tell you from experience, this rarely ends well.

What I am wrestling with in these moments of shame is an unwanted identity – I don’t want to be seen as stupid. Shame happens when we feel exposed to others, or even just to ourselves, in a way that we perceive is undesirable or flawed (Ferguson, Eyre, & Ashbaker, 2000). When a person begins experiencing same-sex attractions, they may wonder if they are gay or lesbian. These labels can be an unwanted identity for the individual. Then, every time a same-sex thought pops in their mind, or when they are called a derogatory name, the unwanted identity becomes more solidified, and the shame becomes more pervasive.

Good news: experiencing same-sex attractions does not mean a person is gay, lesbian, or even bisexual. There is a difference between experiencing attractions and taking on an (unwanted) identity based on those attractions (Yarhouse, 2005). For instance, I am 145 pounds (give or take), which is about 20 pounds over the recommended weight for my height. Even though I describe my weight on my driver’s license (and now on this website), I do not identify as overweight. Similarly, if someone experiences SSA, but does not want to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, they can reduce shame by describing their experience as opposed to identifying themselves by their experience.

References

The Problem with Shame....

Many books have been written about shame. Yet they all begin with the same problem: shame defies definition. Language fails to describe what is occurring (Kaufman, 1996). A root meaning of shame is to cover or envelop (Lynd, 1958, McClintock, 2001); it is as if the very experience is covered up by the inability to express it. When pain cannot be named, the experience can seem overwhelming and uncontrollable. Conversely, once shame is identified, it begins to lose power (H.B. Lewis, 1971).

Thankfully, the difficulty of defining shame has not stopped authors from attempting to classify it. Definitions of shame consistently include the element of exposure (Lynd, 1958; Kaufman & Raphael, 1996). Shame exposes a person’s flaws or inferiority (Tangney & Dearing, 2002; Brown, 2004; Kaufman, 1996; Adams & Robinson, 2001). The experience is keenly focused on the self as opposed to behavior (H. B. Lewis, 1971; Lynd, 1958). Because of the inward focus, shame deeply affects the identity and relationships of an individual (Kaufman, 1996; Tangney & Dearing, 2002). Perhaps most significantly, shame includes an aspect of condemnation in which the person deduces that he or she will not be accepted, respected, or loved as they had been before their inferiority had come to light (Brown, 2004; Tangney & Dearing, 2002).

If you find yourself in pain, but without words to help you understand it – it is at least possible that you are experiencing shame. As you ponder your circumstances ask yourself:

• Do I feel exposed?
• Do I feel painfully inferior or flawed?
• Am I focused on what this means about me as a person (versus feeling concern over my behavior or what others might be experiencing)?
• Am I certain that something horrible will happen as a result of who I am?

If so, label the experience as shame, and begin the process of taming the shame (more on this later). In the mean time, what has helped you identify shame in your life?

References

Taming the Shame Handout

For those of you who attended the Taming the Shame workshop, thanks for coming! Despite the fact that we were talking about the horrible experience of shame, you all made it a fun time! I appreciated your input and learned additional words that help to identify shame - which is difficult to describe. In addition, two attendees highlighted the "urge to deceive" as a common response to shame in their lives (in addition to withdrawal, blame, and rage).

To access a PDF of the handout... click here!

Here is a picture Karen Toney took at the workshop (Thanks Karen!).Godspeed and etc.

Upcoming Conference

The Mid-Atlantic Conference for Exodus will be held this week, April 4-6, 2008, during which I will be conducting two workshops.  I'll co-lead a workshop called "Walking it Out with Women" for counselors and ministry leaders coming alongside women who experience same-sex attractions.  Melissa Jo Wilson (MJ) will be my better half in this workshop - she is a beautiful, high-energy woman who has come out of same-sex sexual relationships and emotional dependencies.  

I'm very excited to debut a workshop called "Taming the Shame."  In it, I will describe the phenomenon of shame, I'll talk about why sexuality so easily triggers shame, and I'll offer three strategies to tame the shame we experience.  I have found shame to be pervasive in the lives of those who question their sexual identity or struggle with sexuality in general.  More than that, it seems to be absolutely destructive in their lives.

For more info on the conference click here. See you there!

Welcome

Those of you who know that I am philosophically opposed to blogging may wonder why I have delved into this realm of cultural narcissism.  Others of you may wonder why it took me so long to realize and embrace my true narcissistic identity.  Allow me to explain....No, there is too much.  Let me sum up...

I do not kid myself to think that there are crowds of people "out there" waiting with bated breath to hear my theories on life.  However, at the advice of my technical consultant (my husband), I have opted for a blog over a traditional newsletter.  My hope is to share interesting and helpful tidbits on a variety of relevant topics.  

"Relevant for whom?" you ask.  This can only be decided by you, however, I can tell you that I am interested in (and will thus write on) topics such as relationships, gender, sexual identity, shame, Christian thought and spirituality, and other psychology/counseling-related matters.

I invite conversation around the topics introduced here.  It is through interaction with community that we learn, grow, and change. Humor is encouraged, sarcasm will be tolerated, respect is an absolute must.

Wherever your journey is taking you... Godspeed and etc.